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by Rose Thorne
Disclaimer: The song Here's to the Night belongs to Eve 6 and anyone else who helped to produce it. Yu Yu Hakusho belongs to Yoshihiro Togashi, Studio Perriot, TV Tokyo, Shounen Jump, and anyone else who helped produce this series.
So denied
So I lied
Are you the now or never kind?
[Damn Mukuro. She kept me late again. I'm late, and I know it. But I'm not going to acknowledge that fact in front of him. But I know that he's afraid because of my tardiness. He has no reason to know that I'm alive. Only my occasional visits, so looked forward to, mark my continued existence. If I ever decided not to come back when scheduled, he would believe me dead and grieve as if I were. This time I even told him that I had my days off a day after they really were supposed to be, and I'm still a day late...The last time this happened, I came to the window to see him crying. So I left. Went to a payphone and called him with some of the ningen coins I always keep for such an occasion. (Or for that sweet snow he insists on calling 'ice cream'...) When I arrived again, he was totally composed. There was no sign of the tears that I had seen before. I can't help wondering if they were really for me...No one has ever wasted tears on me before...I'll have to stop at a payphone again.]
In a day
And a day
Love I'm gonna be gone for good again
[I arrive at his house at daybreak, as usual...only a day late this time...two if you count the one I lied about. The window opens as I reach it, and I enter, looking at his beautiful tan face carefully for signs of tears, my focus eventually coming to rest on his bright green eyes, so full of life. No tears. No redness. Perhaps last time was merely a fluke. I must have seen him crying over something else, something that bothered him during his ningen day. He knows that I believe ningen emotions are weak, so he hid them. I should have known that before. No one would bother to grieve my death...At least not as a lost love. Still, I wish someone cared enough to cry for me. Ironic, ne? I guess I'm just stupid. He smiles at me and, suddenly, nothing else matters. I have two days and a night of vacation, and I plan to enjoy every second of it. Then I have six months before my next one. Give or take a few days. I suddenly notice the mischievous twinkle in his eyes. He plops a shopping bag down in front of me. Peeking in, I see ningen clothes that are about my size. I snort at the grin on his face and change quickly. Then he pulls me out the door. To the carnival, he says. I honestly don't care where we go. As long as I'm with him.]
Are you willing to be had?
Are you cool with just tonight?
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
[One night is all we have together. He knows that. We don't sleep. We never do. Not that night. I would be willing to stay like that the rest of the next day, entwined in his arms, anything he wants, but we rise early to go out again. We always do. That's how I know he enjoys my company and not just the sex. He's a good friend as well as a lover. Probably because we were friends before we became lovers. Reminds me of an American song I once heard at a club we went to. By some American woman named Alanis Morissette. 'Best friend with benefits.' That line...fits. We eventually became lovers because...well, his youko half was in heat. And it wanted me. I was just...lonely. Depressed, I guess. He helped me get over that. Real fast. I glance at him with an involuntary smile as he laughs at the gutter ball he just threw. Does he mind that I'm going to leave at sundown? He may miss my company, not that that's worth much. He has so many other friends to talk to and have fun with. And some who would be willing to be more than just friends. So there's no logical reason for him to miss me. But me...I only have him. To be perfectly honest, Mukuro keeps me too busy to miss him...much. Why do I even try to lie to myself? I miss him when I'm in the Makai. It's like an empty void fills my heart when I have to leave...Am I the only being in the universe who goes through this? Everywhere we go, ningen couples surround us. Ningens who are able to be together more than four days a year...I swallow hard as my nose begins to burn. Is this what love feels like? I wonder...]
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon
[We return to his apartment a few hours before sunset, as usual. Giving us plenty of time to say goodbye. We always need it. As I dress, I see the sorrow in the back of his emerald eyes. And I know in my heart that he'll cry after I've left. Why do I have to leave..? I mentally shake myself. I have to go to the Makai. I'm Mukuro's heir. This way we'll be well-off when his ningen form dies and he returns to the Makai as Youko Kurama. That doesn't make the pain of impending separation go away...And I know that nothing will. I kiss him one last time and press something into his palm, then leave before he sees that it's a tear gem. I've never given him one, though I've cried plenty of them on my way back to the Makai. I wish I didn't have to leave him. My heart aches to be with him again already and my soul feels as if it is withering away at the very thought of the six long months that stretch before me, an obstacle to being with him. I stop and look back as I reach the gate, tears streaming down my cheeks to drop to the ground as jet-black tear gems. Resolutely, I wipe them away and force my face to compose. It's so hard...I run through the gate.]
Put your name
On the line
Along with place and time
[I sigh as I see the register. Koenma has this thing with registering use of the gates now. In order to get through the gate, I have to write down my name, where I'm going, and the time and date I'm going. He's already called me in to ask me about my trips to the Ningenkai. I told him where to shove his nose, and he nearly banned me from using the gates. So I kicked Boton out of the room and told him exactly why I went to the Ningenkai so often. A very embarrassed Koenma quickly shooed me out, giving me full access to the gates immediately. Smart baby. I write my name and step through the gate to the Makai.]
Wanna stay
Not to go
I wanna ditch the logical
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
[I stop and look back at the gate. Damn. I don't want to go back to Mukuro. I want go back to the Ningenkai and stay with him. We can live simply when we go back to the Makai in a few decades...We both have done it before. But I have the chance to make our lives comfortable...except for the assassins. I can't go back to the Ningenkai...But I wish I could. I hate living like this! With an explosive sigh I turn toward Mukuro's and run. I stop as I feel some low A-class signatures that shouldn't be in the area and pull out my sword with a growl. Back to work. Suddenly, arrows come at me and I dodge out of the way. All but one miss. That one hits my calf. I backtrack quickly out of range and pull the arrow out. Then I stare at the flint. It's been dyed orange...with poison. I curse and quickly tourniquet my leg, then run toward the gate, arrow clutched in my fist. Kurama. He should have the antidote. Or be able to get it...I hope...]
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon
[By the time I reach his apartment, the wound is burning, and I know that it's a slow-acting poison. Meaning it's probably lethal. He's sprawled on the bed, sobbing, when I reach the window. I frown, then knock sharply. His head jerks up and he rushes to the window. I wince in pain as I jump in, then hand him the arrow. He takes one look at it and sits down hard, horror imprinted on his face. And I know it's bad. He throws the arrow away from him and grabs me, pulling me to him in a jerky embrace, tears streaming down his cheeks. And I know, even before the words leave his mouth, that I am going to die. The poison is very slow-acting, and will take twelve hours to kill me. Fortunately, my death will not be painful. Only too soon for my liking. I spent far too little time with him. We have only one night to say goodbye forever. I kiss him gently, and he lets go of me, smiling at me so sadly that I feel that my heart is on the verge of breaking. He pulls me onto the bed and proceeds to seduce me as tenderly and as lovingly as he did that first night, so long ago. The only difference is the tears that stain his tan face and the silky sheets that cover us. My wish has come true. Someone will cry over my death. I just didn't know it would happen so soon. I wish I'd never made that wish...]
All my time is froze in motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
[I lay against his chest, listening to his heart beat. Soon I will be gone, never to hear that beautiful, rhythmic sound again. Before I know it, tears begin to stream down my face. He pulls away and stares at me in shock. Never has he seen me cry. Then he pulls me to him and we cry together for a long time. Too soon, I'll be gone for good, never to return. I wish I could stay with him forever. I don't want to let him go. Not ever. I'm losing everything...my love...my life...All for a stupid job. It's not fair...I kiss him again, wishing I had more time to be with him, to love him. More time to be loved, too. As the hours pass, it becomes more exhausting to move, to keep my eyes open, even to breathe, and I know my time is soon to end. Kurama pulls away from me and touches my face gently, caressing my cheek. I blink rapidly as my vision blurs and manage to clear it. But I know that won't last for long. Gently, I touch his face as he touched mine, lingering just a little longer to wipe away a tear with my thumb. Then I tangle my fingers in his long, silky red hair and stare into the beautiful green eyes that I love so much. I can hear my breathing become slower, and I see the horrible, terrified look on his face as my vision fades out...I'm being pulled away...'I love you,' I whisper, hoping that he heard me, that my voice had not failed. I hear his answer...then everything is silent...]
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon
Okay, I'm getting a little too good with these death fics. I was crying while I wrote this one! I actually didn't set out to make this a death fic though. It was originally going to have another ending. I just liked this one better. There's a possibility of me getting around to posting an alternate ending, but not for a little while...
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