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Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine. Please don't assume that they are or I'll end up getting sued. They belong to Yoshihiro Togashi, Studio Perroit, and any other person who helped in the creation of this wonderful series. Thank you for giving me my Hiei-san!!
"Spend all your time waiting for that second chance.
For a break that would make it okay.
There's always some reason to feel not good enough.
And it's hard at the end of the day."
-Angel, Sarah McLachlan
Chapter 4: Regret
Hiei
I awake to see Kurama's beautiful green eyes. He smiles at me. "Morning."
"Hn." The fox gets an evil look in his eyes. Then, before I can react, he rolls on top of me and straddles my hips. His knee hits a tender spot on my side, and I wince as pain shoots through it. The rib that Yukina broke shifted.
Kurama immediately gets off of me. "Gomen nasai, Hiei. Are you okay?" I nod painfully. "Here...Let me take a look." He pulls off my shirt and takes off the bandages, then probes the area around the broken rib gently with his fingers. I flinch as pain flares in my side, then look at the injury. The only outward sign of it is an ugly greenish-purple bruise on my side. Kurama smiles at me and rewraps the injury. I shudder, remembering the look of pure hatred on Yukina's face when she attacked me.
Kurama looks at me with concern. I look away. He pulls me too him, and I rest my head against his chest, listening to the steady, rhythmic drumming of his heart. I start to drift off again when Kurama sighs. "I need to go talk to Yuusuke." About me, he means. I've caused a lot of problems lately. But I don't say anything; I just nod. "Will you be okay?"
"Hn..." He looks at me and I realize that he's not going to leave until he gets a straight answer from me. I sigh disgustedly. Damn pushy kitsune! "I'll live."
He frowns at me. "Please stay here. Don't leave. I can't bear to lose you..." His beautiful green eyes plead with me. "Promise me you won't leave."
I nod shortly, looking into his eyes, wishing that I could lose myself in them. "I promise..." And I mean it too. I need him right now. I can't leave. Not now.
The fox smiles at me brilliantly. I love that smile. I need it so much. It always makes me feel better. After a few moments, he lets me go. "I'll be back in a little while. There's plenty of food in the refrigerator. Help yourself." I nod. Kurama frowns at me thoughtfully, then pulls me into his arms again and kisses me gently, running his fingers through my hair. Then he lets go of me and stands up. He looks at me with a small smile on his face. "Ai shiteru, Hiei." He leaves.
I don't know what I would do if I didn't have Kurama. I'd probably die without him. He's the only reason I have to live anymore. He's also the only reason Yukina didn't kill me.
Yukina...Now she'll never know that I'm her brother. She won't figure it out on her own. I couldn't tell her because of this stupid Jagan. None of this would have happened if she knew that I'm her brother. Kuwabara wouldn't have said that to me, and I wouldn't have killed him. And Yukina wouldn't hate me. I would have told her if I had known that this was going to happen. Fuck the Jagan.
Before I killed Kuwabara, she treated me almost as if I were her brother. Now...now she hates me. And there's no changing that. She'll hate me until I die.
I can't believe that I lost control that badly. I didn't want to kill the Fool. It just...happened. I lost control. And no matter what Kurama says, it is my fault. I lost control. I killed Kuwabara. And I hurt Yukina.
For the first time in a long time, I feel through our link to my twin. I feel her sorrow over Kuwabara's death...and her absolute hatred of me. I pull away quickly and build mental walls around the link. I can't bear to feel her hatred, but I know it's there. And it's directed toward me.
I feel cold...like the cold-hearted killer that she believes me to be. I wrap myself in a blanket, but that doesn't work, so I take a hot shower. As hot as the water can get. Not even that works. I redress, then wander into Kurama's kitchen. I'm not hungry, but I rummage through the cabinets anyway. Then I find Kurama's liquor cabinet...
Uh, oh. Hiei...depressed...with access to alcohol... Interesting...
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